Anxiety

My piano competition's in two days. Oh my gosh. I don't feel prepared at all. You know, I feel that I do have a chance, but then, I don't... Do you guys get it??? It's like I know that I did pretty well on the cello competition, and maybe a few years ago, I would have definitely won, but lately I've been doubting myself. What about the other competitors? I was pretty intimidated when I saw this other cellist who was playing Shostakovich really well. He probably won. But did I??? And(!), Josh competed in THE SAME PIECE!!! Who will the conductor pick- him, my former teacher;s (and conductor of some of the orchs there) pet, or me. student of some obsure guy who somhow has good students. And I'm smaller. And I didn't win last year. Josh didn't win, but he STILL performed some bach concerto because THE CONDUCTOR FELT SORRY FOR HIM. Jeez. What a suck-up. Haydn isn't even that good. Incidently, I'm playing a haydn concerto.  :-(Not for the cello part, though. :-) And now the piano competition. I mean, the winner of AN INTERNATIONAL COMPETITION is competing, and I think that only one person will win the piano section. Or that's what happened last year. But then, last year, there were 60 competitors. THIS year, there are 140 competitors. Major growth. In a bad way, for me, at least. And 25 people will win. Out of 140 people. Oh my gosh. That's about 21%. Not a lot, in all. And, you know, there's not ANY pressure for anybody to win. A pretty abrupt change from the first blog. It dawned on me 15 minutes ago that there's a competition in 2 days. Tomorrow, I'll practice like Rachmaninoff. So, that's what I'm feeling. Anxiety. And relief that there's no school tomorrow. But mostly anxiety.